Walkabout Part 1
by BrerRabbit63
Summary: Simon finds life aboard Serenity has become uncomfortable and decides to make a change.


Walkabout Part 1: The Decision.

Simon sat staring at the Datavid Recorder sitting in front of him in the infirmary, still wondering what he was going to say, and how to say it in the best way possible. He'd never been much good at talking to people, and he'd hoped pre-recording his goodbyes would give him a chance of saying how he felt, and organize his thoughts better without all the stumbling about he knew he always did. But using the Vidscreen without anyone present wasn't making anything easier. As if saying goodbye was ever easy. He just wanted to make sure he didn't hurt anyone's feelings, that is to say, Kaylee's feelings.

Simon was well aware of how the rest of the crew felt about him. They respected him enough as a medic true, but none of them outside of Kaylee really liked him. Try as he might, he hadn't been able to make a place for himself on Serenity. His manner, always polite and respectful, had always come off as nothing more than haughty and superior…unlike River. She had been able to charm nearly the whole crew, and made a home for herself aboard the ship. She loved it here. But no matter what he did, he just couldn't make himself fit in. Oh, his surgical skills were both needed and appreciated, he had saved everyone's life at one time or another, but nobody outside of Kaylee liked spending their leisure time with him. Try as he might, he wasn't able to engage any of them in simple conversation, let alone their frontier style games and activities. Inara had turned out to be the only source of social interaction available to him. At first, he'd turned to Inara because she was the only one, outside of Kaylee, who didn't treat him with disdain. Although spending time with Kaylee had become extremely important to him, only time spent with River was as precious, Inara was a source of intellectual stimulation he sorely needed. Their debates on the arts, politics, culture, and society fulfilled him in ways that discussions about power couplings couldn't. In other words, she was a taste of the life and civilization that he'd left behind. But that only brought its own problems. Firstly, Simon realized that it was impolite of him to monopolize her time aboard Serenity. She had her own relationships to cultivate. And although she would never say anything, he felt that he was eroding whatever good will he had aboard the ship. Secondly, there was the Captain. While Simon knew that he was as thick as a post when it came to realizing when a woman was interested in him, River referred to it as him being a "boob", he was more than capable of recognizing it in others. And what he saw was a certain Captain being entranced by the resident Companion. The more time Simon spent with Inara, the more surely and confrontational Captain Reynolds became, and that was one person Simon couldn't afford to alienate. Thirdly, and most importantly, he saw the effect it was having on Kaylee. The beautiful engineer's cheery disposition, Simon swore it seemed to outshine the 'verse, seemed to wilt every time he went to see the Companion. It finally struck him that it might seem to her that he felt "the uneducated, unsophisticated rim girl" might not be worth the effort. That certainly wasn't the case. Simon basically understood he simply hadn't been able to successfully interact with the bubbly mechanic. To put it mildly, she scared the hell out him.

That left the rest of the crew. And to him, it represented a major problem. He simply had no frame of reference for either their language or lifestyle. The only time he seemed to be able to interact with the crew was when he was the butt of their practical jokes and teasing. Not exactly thrilling for him. No, none of them would be sorry to see him go…especially Jayne. Jayne…just thinking about the 'man ape gone wrong thing' gave Simon a headache, and he didn't have time for distractions. He had maybe a few hours to say his goodbyes on the recorder and slip away unnoticed.

The packing he'd managed easily enough. He'd been saving his cut from their jobs over the last year, and had slowly bought a complete new wardrobe. While some of his new clothes were dress clothes, most were of a simpler and sturdier design he thought he'd need when he left Serenity and much more suited for the life he was now planning out on the rim. All of these he'd packed away in his luggage, and kept it hidden away for his departure. His everyday clothes he'd either leave behind, or pack at the last moment before he left. He'd also bought several pieces of medical equipment he'd thought he'd need and packed them as well with the rest of his things. Any food he needed, he could simply take on his way out the door. At most he was planning on needing only 1 or 2 days worth of rations, just enough in case his contact was late.

Breathing deeply, he managed to calm himself, and bring his thoughts into some manner of order. "The beginning…best to start at the beginning" he whispered to himself. He turned on the Datavid and began speaking. "Captain Reynolds, first of all, I'd like to thank you for everything you've done for River and me…"

Simon moved about the infirmary placing his supplies into their proper places, and checking them into his inventory. One of Mal's last jobs had gone surprisingly well, and it had let Simon restock the medical bay on some of his higher priority needs. As he placed a box of weaves onto one of the upper shelves, a knock on the infirmary door caught his attention.

"Doc, you got a moment?" Mal asked as he stuck his head around the door.

"Certainly Captain, how can I help you? Are you hurt, or…" Simon asked as he turned to Mal, instantly in what River liked to call his doctor mode.

"Nah, nothin' like that, we got a job referred to us by the Sanchez Brothers, and I'm gonna need your help with it is all." Mal entered the room and leaned against the exam table, and crossed his arms. "Got a request to move some contraband medical supplies and I'd like for you to check them out to make sure they're legit." Mal turned and picked up the dope gun lying on the countertop and began to spin it in his hands. "The pickup is gonna take place on Beaumonde, less than a day out. Gonna need ya to be ready to go on a moments notice."

"Of course, Captain," Simon pulled several packets of adrenaline from a box on the counter, and turned to place them in a drawer to the right hand side of the exam table. Sliding the drawer closed, he turned and leaned against the counter, placing his palms against the edges of the tabletop. "To tell the truth, I'm a little surprised to find you concerned about the quality of the merchandise. I thought you were more concerned with picking up the cargo from location A and dropping off at spot B, and whatever the cargo was, wasn't your concern, and that is not a toy." Simon plucked the dope gun out of Mal's hands and placed it back on the counter.

Mal gave Simon a hard glare, and then broke into an insincere smile. "Not this time Doc. Seems our client's contact wants to be sure the goods are the real deal before he'll pay to have 'em shipped out. You're the only one qualified to make sure, so you're the one goin' to take a look. In, out, easy peasy." As Mal finished, he turned around and exited the infirmary and headed towards the bridge. "Don't worry Doctor, it'll be a cakewalk."

A cakewalk…right…he didn't believe it for a moment. He'd been with the crew of Serenity long enough to know that things rarely went to plan. It's not like the captain was stupid, far from it. His ability to improve in the face of adversity had saved the crew on countless occasions. Simon didn't know why he was concerned. In fact, he should have been happy that he could contribute to the crew outside the infirmary. And in theory, everything should have been fine. It was supposed to be a simple job, pick up some medical supplies, and deliver them to some of the border moons. Simon's job was also simple. Verify the goods were genuine, and prep the cargo for delivery. The Captain had a good working relationship with the Sanchez Brothers, and the deal was supposedly solid. A cakewalk. But for some reason, Simon couldn't shake a bad feeling that something was wrong.

Several days later, Serenity broke atmo over Beaumonde. Beaumonde, like Persephone, was among the first of the rim worlds to be terraformed. Originally, these new rim worlds were merely intended to become the new breadbaskets for the quickly overpopulated core worlds, its land having long ago being deemed too valuable for private estates and commercial development to be wasted on food crops. But as the plantations spread, a new role was envisioned for the newly settled rim worlds. As new rim worlds were being completed, they were soon in need of settlers for labor, and the goods to create the new settlements. Like Persephone, Beaumonde was seen as the economic gateway to these newer rim worlds and as a depot to ship the new wealth back to the core. In a massive rush, the core world's merchant princes hastily threw up cheap four story brownstones to house their commercial empires. As true modern cities began to spread across the planet, the commercial elite began moving into their new towering castles of glass and steel utilizing the best tech available in the 'verse, and leaving their humble beginnings behind.

The buildings, though, didn't stay empty long. Those who were often referred to by the rich as the dregs of society quickly took control of the old financial district. The homeless and working poor took up residence where they could, but for the most part, it was the criminal element; smugglers, black market profiteers, and gangsters, who controlled the majority of the old abandoned buildings. In short, it was the perfect place for the crew of Serenity to conduct their business.

They'd arrived early at the specified location, a narrow dark alley between two rows of brownstones, just as dusk was falling. The ground floor windows had, for the most part, been boarded over, and the steel doors along the rear of the buildings were all locked. On the upper floors, the windows were a bit of a mixed bag. Most of them were boarded over, but a few of them were still fully glassed. The alley itself was barely wide enough for the four of them to stand abreast of each other and trash overflowed in the too few garbage bins, and littered the pavement. Simon noticed a haggard woman and two small children, all of them threadbare, digging through the refuse in an attempt to find something, anything useful.

"Most likely for food." Simon thought to himself.

It filled him with rage towards the Alliance. In a system with such abundance, for any of its citizens to have to scrub out such a meager existence was nothing short of cruel and small. Turning away with disgust, Simon held his hand over his nose and mouth, gagging at the stench surrounding him.

Startled by the approaching noise, the woman looked up and spied the group approaching her. Taking notice of the hardware, she fearfully gathered the children to her and herded them quickly out of the alleyway.

Simon felt shame touch his cheek and turned away from the fleeing family. "What's the matter doc," Mal asked a smile on his face. "The local color ain't to your likin'?"

"Well, it's not as bad as Canton, that's for sure," Simon ruefully smiled back, "but it's not my mother's rose garden either." He nodded towards the fleeing family. "Wonder what's up with them?"

"Probably never seen armed folk before," Jayne barked a laugh. "Hell doc, you'd probably run if you didn't know better."

Both Mal and Zoe looked at one another, each understanding without speaking what was on the other's mind. The war had forged them into an inseparable team, each knowing without speaking the fears and concerns their partner had, and often time, coming up with the same solution to the problem. Not that that was always a good thing. This time, however, what they both smelled was a possible set up. They both knew that armed dealings weren't a rarity in these parts. Usually, people just made sure they weren't going to be caught in the crossfire and then went about their business, but that group lit out like their tails were on fire. Mal didn't like it. Right now his battle instincts were screaming at him, and he'd long ago learned to listen to them. Mal took a quick look around to review his tactical options and it all added up to two things…piss and poor.

. "Zoe, you and Jayne move those dumpsters across the alley from each other, and take up flanking positions behind them to provide cover fire for the doctor and me

if necessary." Mal instructed, looking around the alley and pointing at the two small rusted containers alongside the wall next to each other.

Jayne looked puzzled. "What fer Mal? The Sanchez Brothers ain't never turned on us before"

"Yeah, but we ain't dealin' with the Sanchez Brothers direct this time. We don't know these people, and I ain't about to bet my life, Zoe's, or the doc's on them folks playin' nice." Mal replied scanning the alleyway for anything else resembling cover if they needed it.

"Hey, what about me!" Jayne looked at Mal with what was for him a puppy dog look. In fact, it hurt that the captain always left him out when he made these comments concerning the crew. It wasn't like he was unreliable. He was always there to back up the Captain and Zoe on their you jing shen bing jobs. And he'd do whatever he had to to protect the crew…well most of them. Of course, there was that job on Ariel. Ariel. Truth to tell, that one still bothered him. Not that he'd tried to turn in the stuffy upright Doc, he didn't regret that, but rather what he'd done to River. The feng lu girl didn't deserve that. The moonbrain had suffered enough at the hands of the hundans that ran the Academy, and he was no longer willing to add to her suffering. Especially since she could kill him with her brain. But the Doc…hell that was just good clean fun.

"Jayne, just do it," Mal snapped as he turned towards Zoe. "What do you think Zoe?"

"Not a lot of choices sir." Zoe replied looking around the alley, "you expecting trouble?"

"No, just bein' cautious is all. This alley's a little too ambushey for me."

"Ambushey sir?" The corners of Zoe's mouth twitched upwards as she tried in vain to fight off a grin.

Simon turned back to Zoe his eyebrows raised in mock confusion. "Is ambushey even a word?"

"Never you mind," Mal snapped as he waved his arms at them. "Just get everything ready."

"Really think there'll be a problem sir?" Zoe asked as she started over to help Jayne move the dumpsters.

"It's just in case Zoe, just in case."

"Anything I can do to help Captain?" Simon put down his medkit in order to help out with the preparations.

"Nah doc, you just hang back for right now. You'll be busy enough right soon." Mal moved across the alley to help Zoe move the dumpster across the alley. Zoe raised her eyebrows at him as if to ask what the good gorram he thought he was doing. "Right, you just move that over there." Mal stepped back and waved his arm across to the other side of the alley.

Smiling to herself, Zoe shook her head and continued pushing the dumpster into place. "How long before they show up?"

"I'm not sure, but it shouldn't be long now. Just hang tight and be ready for anything."

"Ya know Cap, these rusted dumpsters ain't gonna provide much protection." Jayne said as he struggled to put the garbage bin in place.

"Yeah, well they're better than nothing. We'll just have to make due with what we got. You and Zoe just lean casually against 'em all peaceful like and be ready just in case." Mal's gruff tone let Jayne know that further discussion wouldn't be a good idea, and he finished moving them in silence. Once the dumpsters were in position, He and Zoe took up their positions and settled in to wait.

It didn't take long. A few minutes later their contacts showed up. Four men entered from the far side of the alley two of them carrying a crate between them. Their boss was an unkempt man wearing a badly worn and frayed full-length woolen duster. He was tall…taller than Mal, not so tall as Jayne, but he lacked the muscle to back it up. As Mal looked him over more closely, he noticed the man more closely resembled a walking corpse. His face was emaciated with what looked to be whip scars crisscrossing his face pulling his lips into a rictus grin. His bloodshot eyes and yellowed teeth completed the skeletal effect the man projected. In fact, he reminded Mal of the character "Jack Skellington" from an old Earth-that-was vid Kaylee and River made him watch last Halloween…and he definitely wasn't the type of man that the Sanchez Brothers would deal with. The three men with him however, were another story altogether. All three of them were large muscular men a shade over six feet, and they had obviously been chosen for what Mal liked to call the Crow factor…the ability to stand there and say boo…a job they did very well. Two of them seemed to be of Sinic origin, and they carried the crate forward. The fourth was an anglic with tattoos covering his arms with the Chinese symbols representing mayhem, violence and death. And not one of them looked to be Jayne's intellectual equal. The two Sinic's placed their charge in front of their boss. Stepping back, they each rested their hands on the replica Colt Peacemaker that they all wore. Once they'd stepped back, their boss, 'Cap'n Jack', stepped forward and stood next to the case, and in a move that Badger would envy; he swept his hat off and bowed to Mal. It was like being greeted by the grim reaper.

"Captain Reynolds, glad to see you're on time" 'Cap'n Jack' straightened up and placed his hat back on his head. "I'd heard you were reliable, and it's nice to know your rep ain't for show. I got your package right here," he placed his boot on top of the crate, "now all we got to do is have your doc check it out, and we can finish our business."

Simon had started forward to inspect the crate, but Mal's hand reached out and pressed up against Simon's chest.

"Not so fast doc," Mal whispered. Smiling back to 'Cap'n Jack', Mal continued, "I don't suppose you'd be willin' to open that there crate to show us the goods first would ya?"

Cap'n Jack's eyes went flat with anger as the smile left his face. "Take 'em."

With that simple statement, the small alley had become a combat zone. Simon, never having been in a firefight before, froze. Mal, however, quickly pulled him out of harm's way as both sides opened fire.

"You might want to think about finding some cover there Doc," Mal urged as he pulled out his gun and laid out a stream of covering fire. As the mercs broke ranks and dove for cover of there own, Mal pushed Simon back towards Jayne and retreated back towards Zoe firing as he moved back down the alleyway. Reaching Zoe, Mal continued to pepper the merc's position. "It never goes smooth, how come it never goes smooth?"

"Things do seem to always be a little more complicated sir," Zoe replied as she took down one of the Anglos with her dogleg. "I'm beginning to believe there's no such thing as easy money sir."

Mal spared a moment to give her one of his trademark glares nearly causing her to break out in a grin.

As he saw his men falling around him, Cap'n Jack pulled out a com unit and called out "Johnson, Chen, Stevens, break cover…take 'em out!"

Suddenly, shots rang out from the upper windows of the buildings on either side of them. Within moments the momentum of the battle had completely changed. Serenity and company had gone from the apparent victors to the suddenly besieged. Jayne was hit first. A bullet passed through the rusted dumpster and clipped him in the shoulder…a clean wound the bullet having passed through him without hitting either bone or artery.

"Hey Doc," Jayne bellowed, "I'm hit! How 'bout a little sumpthin' so I can save your scrawny ass."

Looking over, Simon clenched his medkit and began to rush to Jayne's side.

"Gorram it Doc," Mal screamed over the hail of gunfire, "get your ass down before they shot it off!"

It turned out to be a prophetic statement. As Simon had been crawling over to Jayne to bind his wound, one of the mercs pegged him with a shot in his side.

"Gorram it! Be careful of our merchandise!" Cap'n Jack screamed into his com unit. "He ain't worth nothin' unless we bring him in alive!"

Simon had managed to pull himself up alongside Jayne behind the dumpster and applied pressure to his wound. Squeezing his eyes shut against the pain, Simon took a deep breath to steady himself before reaching into his medkit to take care of both Jayne and himself.

"Doc, you alright?" Zoe called out as she directed her fire towards the windows above.

"Yeah, I think I'm fine. It's just a deep graze." Taking a quick moment to gather himself, Simon squeezed his eyes shut again as he pressed his hand against the burning in his side. As he reached into his medkit to get his weaves and hypo's, he felt a small gentle hand pressing against his side.

"Simon, my simple Simon, bullets travel at 180 meters per second. Penetration, depending upon the caliber of the bullet, can cause damage to tissue, organs, and possibly bone matter. Effects from the wound can lead to blood loss, organ failure, in case of spinal damage, loss of mobility, shock, and possibly termination of life functions. It's best to avoid the bullets path." River mumbled as she applied pressure to Simon's side. She turned to stare straight into his eyes. "You take so much looking after."

Simon looked at her in shock and disbelief, his mouth gaping open. He looked like a landed fish.

"River, what are you doing here? It's not safe." Simon hissed as River took a weave from his hand, pressed it against his side and secured it. "These men are here for me, and if they realize you're here too, they'll never give up. Please get back to the ship."

River looked vacantly around her, her head almost jerking from side to side, apparently taking in everything or nothing around her. With River, you just never knew for sure. It was at moments like these that Simon worried most about her, because he was never sure if she was aware of her surroundings, or if she was trapped in an Academy induced nightmarish hallucination. Her hand slowly draped across the ground until it rested on one of Jayne's guns…the one he'd dropped when he was wounded.

Noticing where her hand had gone, Simon's eye's widened. "River no…please put that down."

River's hair fell down into her eyes covering her face and obscuring it from his view. He couldn't tell what she was thinking. Because he was watching her so closely, he almost didn't hear the near whispered "Love you," as she rose and bolted back down the alleyway_._

"Hey, ain't you gonna patch my hurt?" Jayne screamed at River's retreating back. "And while you're at it, bring back my gun you moonbrained pou fu!' Turning to the Doctor, Jayne growled as he fired towards the windows above. "When we get back Doc, me and the moonbrain are gonna have a conversation about takin' another man's weapon." Emptying his clip into the windows above, he ejected the magazine as he ducked back down for cover. As he slammed another clip into gun he turned back towards Simon with a pitiful expression plastered across his face. "Hey Doc, you gonna look at my shoulder? I'm in real pain here."

Simon wasn't listening however. His attention was still riveted on the alleyway where his little mei-mei had disappeared around the corner.

"Please God, Merciful Buddha, or whoever is listening, please let her be going back to the ship." With that prayer, and that surprised him since he wasn't a religious man, Simon turned back to treat Jayne's shoulder while trying to stay out of the big man's way as he continued firing on the mercenaries above.

Mal and Zoe, though, had just finished off the remaining combatants in the alley, and started training their fire on the windows above. All of a sudden, a body came flying out of one the windows and landed near the Captain. Mal looked over to the body in shock and confusion, but his attention was soon draw to the floors above as he heard shots ring out in the building followed quickly by screams of pain. After a few moments it was all over.

Rising Mal was still trying to figure out what had happened when a small girlish head, hair falling into its eyes, cried out. "The area's secure Captain." River's face beamed down to them. "Recommend that we leave the area immediately. Shots are guaranteed to bring attention from the authorities." As she was turning away from the window, she suddenly stopped and turned back towards Mal. "Oh, and it would be expedient and appreciated if you could help the boob back to the ship." As she disappeared from the window, the crew could hear giggling coming from above.

Mal just looked around at the rest of his crew in shock. "Huh."

"…And know that I will be forever grateful for everything you've done for River and myself." Simon stopped the recorder. As his thoughts drifted back to that day, he realized that that was the beginning of the end for him. Everything that had led him to this moment had started with that "simple job". Rubbing his eyes to dispel his fatigue, he picked up the recorder and started again.

"Mei Mei, know that I love you very much…

"No, no, no. I don't want to hear it. She's comin' and that's all there is to it." Mal practically screamed over his shoulder, Simon dogging his steps as he descended into the cargo bay.

"Captain, she's only a seventeen-year-old girl. You can't really expect a seventeen-year-old girl to be capable of assisting on one of your jobs. In fact, her being a wanted fugitive could draw more attention to your operation than you'd want."

Practically feeling Simon's breathe on the back of his neck, Mal finally snapped. "Look Doc, she's goin' and that's final. I ain't an idiot. I know she's a fugie. I never planned to take her out so everybody could see her and plan on getting rich. We're gonna disguise her so nobody gets wise, but she **is** goin'. Ain't no space on my boat for a useless body."

"Now hold on Captain. I more than pay our way by taking care of the crew's health, not to mention the various injuries everyone picks up during your brilliant heists."

Mal snarled at the Doctor, and was about to make a reply when River reached out and placed a small delicate hand on Simon's arm. Simon glanced down to see her smile sadly up at him.

"She can do this; it's her turn now." River stated looking up fondly towards the Captain. "Don't worry, Captain Daddy won't let anything happen."

Simon wasn't done yet, however. "You mean like he protected me on the last job? The one where I got shot in my side and you had to rescue us from? That job?"

Mal silently fumed at the Doctor's implication that the job going wrong was his fault, but with a look from River, he held his tongue.

"Yes. Both duty and honor compel this from us. Remember, the Captain offered us a place when it would have been in his best interests to turn us over to the Alliance. " she pressed, her innocent eyes boring into Simon's conscience. "We have an obligation to protect those who've risked everything on our behalf. Everyone here has risked all they have to make us a home on Serenity, and helped provide protection against those hunting us…me. Please understand why I have to do this, and don't end your sentences with a preposition. Mother would be so embarrassed."

Simon's jaw almost dropped as the implications of what she was saying finally sank in. And Mal's smirking behind him didn't help sooth his ego any. "Please be careful mei-mei. And Captain, if anything happens to her…."

Mal bristled at the implied threat and was about to respond when River leaned forward and kissed Simon on his cheek. "It won't…I know."

Mal smiled as he stepped up and slapped him on the back, staggering him a step forward. "See Doc, nothin' to worry about." Then as if throwing Simon a bone, he said in a quite undertone, "I'll make sure nothin' happens to her. I know you don't believe me, but I look at her as a daughter. I don't want anything to happen to her any more than you do."

"Then why take her if she means that much to you. You know how dangerous these jobs can be." Simon's eyes were pleading with the Captain now, and Mal was starting to feel a little uncomfortable.

Not knowing why, Mal opened up a little to his medic. "Because we're close to gone out here. The last couple of jobs haven't gone well, and we're almost out of fuel and food. Keeping you two here means we can't take a lot of jobs on account of staying below the radar, and we're almost out of options. Our rep's taken a beatin', and if we blow this job, we might not get another. Having her along means we got an edge over our buyers, and we need that desperately. I don't like usin' her anymore than you do, but I'll do what I gotta to keep ship and crew together. Don't worry; I'll do whatever it takes to bring her back to you."

Simon had talked to Inara several times about the Captain, and she had mentioned on several occasions Mal's "truth some" tone of voice and how she always felt uncomfortable with what he revealed. Having now heard it firsthand, he understood fully what she meant. Realizing how tenuous their position was, he nodded his head in defeat, and retreated to his infirmary where he could worry about River in private.

Mal watched him go for a second feeling a little twinge of pity for the good doctor, but then put those feelings away and turned back to the waiting team. "Let's mount up; we got crime to be done."

Several hours later the sound of the mule could be heard nearing the cargo bay. Simon rushed forward, fear and anticipation rushing through his veins.

Kaylee had been standing near the door controls when she noticed Simon rushing down the stairway. "Don't worry none Simon, I'm sure everything is okay."

Kaylee's beaming smile brightened Simon's heart a bit, but he still paced nervously like a father who'd let his daughter go to the prom with the school's badboy…which in a way he had. When he'd reached the bottom of the stairs, he walked over to Kaylee to wait for the others. Once there, he surprised himself by slipping his hand into hers. Perhaps he did it to calm his nerves, or perhaps he just wanted to get a little closer to Kaylee. Whatever the reason, the shocked look on her face that quickly blossomed into one of her radiant smiles that outshone the sun made it worth the effort. Unknown to either of them, Inara stood on the catwalk staring down at them, a small smile hovering on her lips.

They stood there for a moment, just enjoying each other's company when the hover mule entered the cargo bay. With the arrival of the others, Simon realized just how close he was to the bubbly mechanic, and quickly moved away from Kaylee. The moment broken, Simon headed over the mule as River leaped out and rushed over to him. Leaping into his arms, she crushed him with a hug, her lips breaking out into a dazzling smile.

"Simon it was so wonderful! Everything went perfectly. They were going to try to cheat us, but I saw what they were up to, and the Captain used that to get us an even better deal. It was all over so fast we even had time to do a little sightseeing and get us some lunch. We had food…real food." River was so excited she was practically babbling and bouncing on the balls of her feet.

Simon was so relieved he simply drew her back into another hug. The sheer joy on her face eased some of the misgiving he had about her going in the first place, and he was truly grateful that she had been able to have a good time. The boost to her spirits was worth all the worrying he had endured over the last few hours.

For her part, River radiated in Simon's joy and love for her, and she snuggled in to enjoy it. All of a sudden, she pulled back. "I almost forgot, I brought something back for you." She broke away and ran back to the mule, dancing around Mal and Jayne as they unloaded the mule. She reached in and pulled out a box wrapped with twine and danced back to Simon. She handed it to him with a look of such innocence he immediately became suspicious.

"There's a lot in there, enough for two. Maybe you could share it with a certain someone." Her eyes twinkled with mischievousness and amusement.

"But you've already eaten mei-mei."

River rolled her eyes. Her brother really was a boob. "Not with me," she turned Simon around and pushed him towards Kaylee. She laughed as he went over to Kaylee and invited her to share his lunch with him in the galley. As they left, she skipped back over to the mule to torment Mal and Jayne as they finished storing the goods in Serenity's hidden compartments.

And that was how it all started. River was now going out on all the jobs, and things started picking up for the crew. They were now making better money on the jobs, and they were coming back wounded less and less. The only thing that was bothering Simon now was that she was at this point constantly carrying a gun on jobs. Stories filtered back about how it was only her quick thinking and reflexes that had saved several jobs. It was at this point that Simon began to renew his objections to her going. Finally it was River herself that finally put her foot down. Rearing like a lioness defending her cubs, she got nose to nose with Simon.

"You can't control my life! I'm eighteen now Simon, and if I want to protect ourfamily, I have that right!"

Taken aback by her aggressive stand, he backed away holding his hand out in defense. "Mei-mei, I only mean that you have one of the finest minds in the 'verse. You were meant for so much more than this."

"And what should I be doing? Working in a lab computing theoretical models on the universe? Dancing for the Osirian Ballet Company? Well I can't. Even you have to admit my choices in life are a little bit limited right now. Besides, I like going out on jobs. Don't stand in my way." And with that she crossed her arms and stared him down. Slowly, he realized that he had lost this time, and he was going to have to learn to accept it.

Over the next several months, River continued to accompany them out into the field, and Simon could do nothing but perpetually worry over her safety. In a last ditch attempt to divert her, Simon was able to convince Wash to give River flying lessons in the hopes piloting Serenity would appeal to her more. While River took to flying like a duck to water, and Wash enjoyed her company as well as having a co-pilot who could chart courses in the blink of an eye (not to mention chart courses more accurately than the computer could), his job wasn't demanding when they were on the ground, leaving her able to continue her role as a reader. But it was the next series of events that rocked him to the core. Whenever they'd come back with the goods, Simon noticed River becoming more and more friendly with Jayne. They'd jump out of the back of the mule laughing and teasing each other. And if that weren't bad enough, he'd often find them on the ship spending time with each other in what was, to his mind, far to intimate a setting. Whenever he tried to bring up the subject, she'd simply ignore him or pretend she didn't know what he was talking about. He couldn't ever remember ever feeling this lost. Even his relationship with Kaylee was beginning to suffer.

One late evening while he was working late in the infirmary, and obsessing over her recent behavior, Simon decided to take a break and get a cup of tea in the galley. While he was boiling the water, he heard a sound in the corridor leading to the bridge and decided to check it out. Hoping for some quality time with Kaylee, he entered the hallway and spotted River leaving Jayne's quarters. He lost it. He rushed forward and grabbed her arm spinning her around. The shock and fear on her face was like a punch to his gut.

"What do you think you're doing River? I can't believe it. Remember Ariel? Getting chased by the Blue Hands? In case you've forgotten, Jayne was the one who tried to sell us out, tried to send you back to the Academy. How could you do this?"

River's head hung low with her hair hanging into her eyes. She'd never meant for Simon to find out, and certainly never wanted to hurt him this way.

River's voice trembled as she whispered, "Different now. She can't help the way she feels."

"Jayne?" Simon was now shouting. "River, you can't be serious. Okay, never mind the fact that the man wanted to sell us both back to the alliance, and I suppose I can allow for the fact that a man can change: you're the telepathic, you'd know. But River, the man's a pig. And it's not that he's just plain filthy; the man's crude, crass, and not to mention just generally disgusting."

River glared at her beloved brother, her hands clenching and unclenching in barely controlled rage. "Understands her, knows to let the hedges grow wild, not always trying to prune and shape."

Simon's jaw dropped in disbelief. "Understand? Understand? That man-ape barely understands anything, let alone any kind of civilized topic of…well, anything. Honestly River, what can you two really have in common. I mean I can't see him sharing your love of astrophysics, dance, or even him comprehending the intricacies of your simple ABC's. What the Gorram hell do you see in him!"

Without realizing it, Simon had been yelling at River, forcing her back against the bulkhead. River, for her part, was overwhelmed by the feelings of anger, hurt, and disappointment rolling off her brother.

At the sound of all the shouting, Jayne had climbed out of his bunk. Quickly getting behind River, he placed his hands on her shoulders. "Whoa up Doc, she's an adult now, able to make her own choices."

Simon hissed back, "Take your hands off her."

"Or what little man?"

With all the yelling, River had curled in on herself, placing her hands against her head. Turning to Simon she cried, "You're just as bad as the Blue Hands. You want to take everything wonderful away from me!"

Simon reeled back in shock. He couldn't believe his mei-mei would turn on him in this fashion. He'd given up everything in his life for her, and for her to accuse him of being like the butchers that had cut up her brain had hurt like nothing else he'd ever felt.

River herself couldn't believe she'd said it. But the damage was done.

While they'd been arguing, the Captain had climbed out of his bunk, to see who was disturbing his sleep. "What the good gorram is goin' on here? River, Jayne, you wanna tell me somethin'?"

Nobody wanted to say anything. "Okay, since nobody's sayin' nothin', River and Jayne go back to bed. Me and the Doc's gonna have a few words."

"Come on baby girl, no reason to sneak around no more, let's go back to my bunk." Jayne put his arms around River and led her back down into his room.

"Captain, I can't believe you're letting them…"

Simon never got the chance to finish. "I know you're angry son. In fact, I ain't too happy with it either." Mal put his hand on Simon's shoulder in what he probably felt was a comforting manner. Simon wasn't having any. "Look, you know I don't like shipboard romances, and I certainly wouldn't have thought she'd chose Jayne, but she's been more stable than I've ever seen the last few months. And if that's what she needs to be happy, I ain't gonna get in her way. She ain't had much of it over the last few years."

Seeing he wasn't really getting through to Simon, he tried a different tack. "Hey, if he ends up hurtin' her, you can put him out the airlock, and ain't no one gonna say anything."

Simon just glared at him and stormed off for his own room. In retrospect he should have seen it coming…he really should. He'd read the psychological reports in Medicad linking sex and violence, and her choices on board were very limited. With the Captain mooning over Inara, there were no other choices available for her to make. But the knowledge that she'd chosen Jayne of all people still hurt.

He was at a complete loss as to what to do. Because he couldn't stand to see them together, he began to avoid River at all costs. In fact, he began to avoid everyone. He started taking his meals in either the infirmary or in his quarters. Kaylee tried to reach out to him, but he rebuffed her attempts with an express wish for solitude. Everyone came to the conclusion that he was behaving like an ass.

One day while he was sulking in the infirmary, Jayne appeared in the doorway. "You know, ignoring us ain't gonna make us go away."

"Leave me alone you _**liu koushi de biaozi he houzi de ben er zi**_."

"Fine with me. Far as I'm concerned you're just a useless pansy-assed pretty boy, not worth her getting' upset over." Entering the room, Jayne leaned in next to Simon. "You know, she really is a genius. Everything does come as natural to her as breathin'". He laughed cruelly as he exited the doorway. "You avoidin' her's just causin' her pain. I guess you really don't care 'bout her as much as you think."

As Jayne left, Simon's eyes burned with unshed tears. How could that ape claim he didn't care? He'd given up everything for her. Almost single-handedly he had broken into the Academy and freed her from those butchers. Just because he couldn't stand to watch her throw her life away, didn't mean he didn't care. Nobody understood how special she was. They didn't, or couldn't comprehend that she was meant for more than this…so much more. Finally breaking, Simon dropped his head into his hands and cried like he hadn't since a child.

"…And while I don't care about some your life choices, I realize you have to live your own life. Take care of yourself mei-mei."

Simon turned off the recorder again as he tried to clear his thoughts. He only had one more goodbye to go, and for many reasons, this would be the hardest one of all.

"Kaylee, I wish things could have been different…"

Simon came out of his funk several weeks later. While he still wouldn't speak to River, and he truly wished Jayne would fall into a black hole, he began to open up a little more to the rest of the crew. He began to spend more time with Kaylee in the engine room trying to repair the damage he'd done to their relationship, and even began to spend more time with Sheppard Book and Inara. He had, however, learned a little from his earlier mistakes with Inara_. _During most of his visits now, he made sure to include Kaylee in order to alleviate her fears of inadequacy from being a rim girl, and because he was a lot less likely to put his foot in his mouth in a group setting. On the occasions Simon did seek out Inara on his own, she had taken pity on him and he began to extract hints on how he might improve things with the bubbly mechanic.

On her part, Inara was glad to see Simon reaching out to at least a few of the others, realizing that his self imposed isolation couldn't be good for his long term mental health. She had always enjoyed Simon's company as a bright and cultured companion, and they enjoyed many evenings playing go or chess as Kaylee filled up the quiet moments with tales of home. All in all it was a pleasant distraction from his other problems.

One thing was of concern to him though. Ever since River started going out on jobs, injuries to the crew had become almost non-existent. His services weren't needed as much anymore, and he began to worry about contributing to the ship. Despite his success with the Ariel job, Mal didn't seem interested in having him plan any other heists. He felt River's presence more than compensated for any complications that normally came up.

Jayne made his worthlessness painfully clear one evening during dinner when he referred to him as just a useless mouth to feed. No one had argued with him. Because of this, Simon began volunteering for any job that no one else wanted to do. He'd clean out the septic tanks, scrub and polish the rest of the ship, assist Kaylee in the engine room, put away cargo, as long as River and Jayne weren't in the cargo bay. Anything to make himself useful.

It all came to a head one afternoon, however, when Jayne came to see him in the infirmary. He and Kaylee were doing an inventory of medical supplies, more out of a need to do something together that he enjoyed rather than out of necessity, since nothing had been used in awhile. Jayne came bursting into the infirmary holding his hand.

"Doc, got a medical emergency here."

Simon turned immediately towards his patient, glad to be able to utilize his training at last. Jayne extended his hand, but as Simon examined it, he couldn't find anything wrong.

Noticing the Doc's puzzled expression, Jayne couldn't keep it in any further. "Got me a splinter Doc, a big ole splinter." Laughing at his own joke, Jayne turned and exited the infirmary muttering to himself, "splinter, yeah that was a good one." It was then that he noticed River standing just outside the doorway. Her arms were behind her back and she was swinging side to side. She turned her head to the side and gave him a smile. She proceeded to follow Jayne skipping after him like a lovesick puppy.

And that's when it hit him. A joke...he was nothing more than a joke, and a bad one at that. Turning away in shame, Simon noticed Kaylee couldn't look him in the eye. She felt sorry for him…worse, she was ashamed of him.

Kaylee tried to reach out to him. "Simon, I…"

"Don't. Kaylee just don't."

She nodded her head and placed the pad she was holding onto the counter. Dragging her hand across his back, she left the infirmary as Simon hung his head.

Later that evening in his room, Simon mulled over the events of the day, particularly the humiliating events in the infirmary. Jayne's actions had illustrated to him all to clearly how trivial his presence was aboard Serenity. The crew hadn't needed his services for months, River had refused to let him continue treating her condition, and to top it all off, it appeared that even his budding relationship with Kaylee was heading south. And that was it, the final straw. If he couldn't assure Kaylee's affections, he needed to at least be able to merit her friendship and respect. Well, there was no use thinking about it now. Instead, he directed his thoughts toward his future. And if his time on the rim had taught him anything, it had made clear that the border planets needed skilled physicians. As those thoughts continued to roll around in his mind, he realized he now had the perfect opportunity to attempt a mission that had he had been secretly planning for some time. As he made up his mind, he began to put the beginning touches of his plan into motion. It was time to go.

"I want you to know that you were one of the only bright things on this ship for me. But it's not enough. I need to use my skills to make a difference in the 'verse."

It was done. He slipped out of the infirmary and moved silently down to his cabin. He'd been observing the Captain's routine around the ship for a while now, and he knew Mal would be doing a recon of the ship to make sure everything was squared away. If he moved quickly, he should be able to sneak into Mal's quarters and leave the recording on the nightstand and be back out before Mal made his way back to the bridge. Slipping the bag over his shoulder, Simon made his way to the galley and placed his things on the dining room table. He proceeded up the passageway to Mal's cabin. Breathing a sigh of relief, Simon saw that the Captain had left the door to his bunk open.

Mal had been making his nightly rounds of the ship, making sure that the cargo was secure and everything else was, more or less, ship shape. As he entered the galley, he noticed the duffel bag sitting atop the dining table. Curiosity peaked, Mal moved forward to open the bag to discover it full of clothing, and peculiarly, several brand new pieces of medical equipment. Puzzled, Mal closed the bag and turned toward the crew quarters hallway in time to see Simon climb down into his bunk. Muttering to himself, Mal stormed down the hallway to find out what the good Gorram was going on.

Sliding down the ladder, Simon stepped forward and placed the recording on the nightstand. Satisfied he had managed to evade everyone so far, Simon was about to turn and leave, when he heard a sound behind him.

"You wanna tell me why you're in my quarters, Doc?"

"I wanted to leave you a recording. I'm…leaving Mal."

"Yeah, I noticed the bag in the galley. Word to the wise, leavin' it out in the open ain't exactly stealthy. You'd been better off hiding it in the cargo bay amongst all the goods. Now you wanna tell me why you're leavin'?"

"Why?" Simon asked incredulously. "Because I have no place here Captain, that's why."

"What do ya mean? You're crew. You're our medic; that's your place. If you're leavin' 'cause of your sister, I gotta tell you, that ain't the best way to handle it."

"It's not just her, and you haven't needed my skills for months. Besides, I can do a lot more good for the communities on the rim."

"Very noble." Mal crossed his arms as he leaned on the ladder. "That aside, just because we haven't needed ya, don't mean we won't. Ya wanna tell me why you're really leavin'?"

"Because I have to feel needed, to believe I'm doing something worthwhile," Simon growled. "And to tell the truth, I'm tired of being everyone's whipping boy! Day in and day out, I have to put up with the disdain and contempt you have all graciously showered me with on a continual basis."

"Pride?" Mal's face shone with his surprise and disgust at the man beside him. Maybe he really was a spoiled core dandy; and thin skinned to boot. "You're sayin' you're leavin' 'cause a pride and hurt feelins. Thought you was more of a man than that."

Simon's jaw dropped in shock and disbelief. Simon realized the man did not, and possibly could not, understand. His own rage now consumed him as he began to yell back at the Captain. "It's not just 'hurt feelings' Mal! In all the time that I've been on board, can you think of one time, just one time, that the crew has ever had one decent or kind word for me. In every conversation, I'm either insulted, ignored, or scorned. It's called emotional and psychological abuse! That continuous rate of abuse is very much like continually beating someone, with much the same result; at least psychologically."

"What are you talking about?" Mal's eyes flared at the doctor. He didn't know why, but the doctor was able to make him madder faster than just about anyone…except Inara. Clenching his hands, Mal leaned in towards the smaller man, "I don't abuse my crew."

"Of course not," Simon sneered back, his own temper flaring. "You believe you're a shining knight, bringing goodness and light to those of us out here in the cold dark black. Inara's right, you are a prick."

"Don't be thinkin' it's a good idea bringing up Inara." Mal growled as he turned around to get some distance from the young man before he decked him.

In some part of Simon's brain he knew, just knew, that he would be better off just leaving this topic alone. But the man before him had been responsible, at least indirectly, to so much of his misery of the last months, that he just disregarded his common sense. "Why she puts up with you, I don't know. Sweet Buddha, you're even more emotionally constipated than I…"

Mal's fist connected solidly with the side of Simon's face. As he lay on the deck, Simon smirked at the Captain as if with victory. In truth, Simon had seen the blow coming, and he could have dodged it easily. But he wanted to take advantage of the Captain's rage and he hoped to goad the older man into action.

"Get off my boat." Mal growled to the doctor sprawled across the floor of his cabin.

Despite everything that had happened, Simon couldn't help rolling his eyes. "Really? What a great idea. I should have come up with it myself."

Mal's eyes snapped wide open as he realized what the doctor had done. He'd gotten Mal to do something that was completely against his nature…forsaking one of his crew. This wasn't like after a betrayal. This was him abandoning one of his own. All of the lessons he'd learned during the war, chiefly leave no man behind, hammered at his conscience, and he turned away and struggled to regain both his temper and the situation.

"Don't think that your sis would take very kindly to ya leavin'." Mal responded as he turned toward the doctor. "Despite everything that's happened lately, she still loves ya something fierce."

"I wish I could believe that, but after everything that's happened, I just don't know."

"That ain't true and you know it. And what about Kaylee…don't you think she might care if you up and disappear?"

"Yes I have thought about Kaylee," Simon growled. "But she needs more than I can giver her, and she deserves the best that life can offer."

Mal crossed the room and stood directly into Simon's path. "That could be. I ain't gonna argue with you there, but if you're leavin', don't they deserve better than some recording? You really should be tellin' them up front. Be honest with 'em."

Simon stiffened at Mal's reproach. "I'm doing what I believe to be best."

"I'm sure you do. But alla this still don't explain why you're leavin'. Just tell me why you're leavin'. Why won't you just tell me why."

"Because this place is killing me!" Simon shouted back. "I'm dying here Mal," Simon whispered. "This boat…this boat has become my Serenity Valley."

Mal rocked back and fell against his bunk. Sinking down into it, he stared in horror at what Simon had said. To compare his boat to what he'd gone through. And all of a sudden he understood what Simon had been telling him. Being on his boat was destroying any vestige of hope and spirit Simon had left. And having experienced that first hand, Mal wasn't willing to make someone else, anyone else, suffer what he'd gone through. Nodding his acceptance, he looked up at the younger man.

"How you plan on sneaking past your sister? In case you haven't noticed, she's a mind readin' genius."

"I know," Simon replied brushing his hand over the top of his head. "But over the last couple of months, I've discovered I can block her from reading my thoughts, at least I think I can. I haven't really been able to test it. Plus, I'm not sure how much she can pick up while she's sleeping."

"Huh. You want to clue me in to how you do that? Might could come in handy."

"I'm not quite sure Captain. Part of it might be that I don't consciously think about my plans, keep it out of my surface thoughts. Part of it might be the fact that we're siblings, a genetic defense if you will. Of course I could be wrong about all of it."

"Well I don't have your natural defenses. How am I gonna keep her from picking up on the fact you skedaddled?"

"I don't know. Just try not to think about it too much, and if she asks you anything, tell the truth, just don't tell her everything. She might pick up something, but if she feels you're telling her the truth, she might not push for more."

"That ain't very reassuring Doc."

"I know and I'm sorry, but that's the best I can give you." With that, Simon turned and headed for the ladder.

As he began to ascend to the crew hallway, Mal turned to him. "You know, you might a got way clean if you hadn't a left your duffle on the kitchen room table."

Simon smiled down to him, "I'll try to avoid that next time."

"Yea, see that you do."

Simon laughed quietly at the Captain's attempt at humor. "You coming? Someone's going to have to close up after I go, and since you already know…"

"Yeah, be right up behind you."

As they walked to the front hatch, Mal looked over at Simon. "So what were you gonna do if nobody had noticed you leavin'?"

"Well, I was going to start closing the hatch, and then run for all I was worth and hope I made it out before it closed. Don't worry Captain; I wasn't going to leave the ship open to invasion."

Mal smiled back. "Yeah, top three percent."

As the captain lowered the ramp, Simon turned to him. "Thanks for everything you've done for us Captain, I really appreciate it." He stuck his hand out to Mal.

Shaking it Mal replied, "Yeah well, I still don't think this the best way to handle it, but…"

"I know. Please take care of her for me."

Mal just nodded. Simon slung his bag over his shoulder and started down the ramp. As he raised it again, Mal watched as Simon slowly disappeared into the night.

TBC…

Chinese-English Translations:

You jing shen bing: insane

Feng lu: crazy

Hundan: bastard

Mei-mei: little sister

liu koushi de biaozi he houzi de ben er zi: son of a drunken whore and a monkey

(at least I hope it does)


End file.
